Therapy

therapy. sought after therapy on a Wednesday night, rehearsing my breaths, rehearsing my flesh. too scared to go down the escalator with a baby in the stroller. too scared to curse your brother out until decades can finally rest in pieces. not scared to confront the devil that manifests itself as recessive thoughts only in those sudden weeks or seconds that you feel totally alone, tricked. retracing my steps has brought me nothing but pride and agony, a clusterfuck of mistakes pardoned by God only and a clairvoyant-like hindsight that spots all the missteps and the maps they could’ve painted.

but also, with pain and defeat comes confidence, a bloody smile, a chin breakable only by the last brain that remembers your fingerprint. therapy. sought after on a Friday night at two thirty seven in the morning after stretching on a wooden floor while vehicles soar outside my balcony door. fingers have yet to restore the color that gold cloaked for years, through showers and sin and song. remi is whispering to herself again, banging her body left and right as she practices rolling, talking, and seeking her own comfort. we’ve hit the tipping point - the worst amalgamation of problems, and saw the humor in it, the disappearing act. no longer tricked by lack, everything looks like the face my mother bore at twelve fifteen in the afternoon on the sixth. somehow everything perfectly reflects back to me as me and with that care and love I interact with everything. donate what’s yours to relinquish the idea that anything is owned by one person alone. therapy came after hours of media, hours of smoking, hours of hail mary text messages and analysis of my heart and what it beats to the most. may all action from this body manifest into a more ideal world. may a king be both merciful and merciless, in connection with grace but never too far from admitting the likelihood that any of us could become the scum of the human race. all sins make sense. at the doorstep of my third decade I am proud of the worst parts of my past, present and tomorrow. atonement is daily and what is provided for me is perfect for what the purpose of this particular arrangement of atom. in that there is peace, and outside the war no longer tricks me as being anything other than therapy.